Hlano is the creator of Their Marriage which is a personal blog intended to be a resource for married folk to know they aren’t alone in the journey & let them know that what they’re going through is normal. It is also intended to be a resource for single folk to get the truth about marriage.
Today is one of those days when I’m just feeling deflated, irritated, frustrated and at my wits end in my marriage.
It’s one of those days where you wonder how did you get here and where to from here.
I find myself questioning my logic – if I could, I would open up my skull and make sure all the connections in my brain are still attached.
On days like this, I have to buckle down and encourage myself. I have to dig deep inside myself and lean on my spirituality to give me some sense of peace and calm. I have to take myself on a long walk in nature to reenergize myself and get some vitamin D on my skin and some fresh oxygen in my lungs. I have to reboot myself.
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
Marriage takes effort. A kind of effort you’ve never expressed before. You are exercising muscles that have never been activated. That’s just the reality of the situation. Let’s stop sugar coating it. And because it takes effort you will need to figure out a routine / system / process / formula for how you reboot yourself on the days in your marriage where you feel totally deflated, defeated, fatigued and all fought out.
The same level of effort you put into your marriage is the same level of effort and thought you need to put into your self-care routine. You need that go-to plan – it’s critical for your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. The sacredness of your sanity cannot be understated or taken for granted.
Self-care is about giving yourself permission to be you. To just be.
As I write this post, I am sitting in the garden, with a cup of tea and the sun shining down on me because for me nature always makes me feel better. It gives me fresh energy, it helps me process my thoughts, it allows me to go back and resolve the conflict and keep moving our family forward.
When you have fought to your last nerve, you will need time to reboot yourself before re-engaging your spouse and your family. Everyone is different, but it is critical that you figure out the things that revitalize and re-energize you.
It could be taking a walk outside; praying; doing high intensity impact training in the gym; having a cup of tea in silence; doing yoga – the list is endless. Figuring out what elements make up your self-care routine will require you to introspect.
Your self-care routine does not need to cost a lot of money or to be elaborate. It can be as simple as standing outside, closing your eyes, counting to ten and taking deep breathes in-between each count.
Personally, these are some of things I do:
- I journal. I journal a lot. (You think this blog is real, raw and honest! My journal is something else.)
- I meditate.
- I spend time with friends and family (using the time to enjoy their company and their energy NOT complain about my spouse)
- I get massages.
- I go to the spa or give myself a mini spa day at home.
- I detox (juice detox, raw detox etc).
Whatever reboots and reenergizes you – do it!
One of my favourite sayings is “you can only give what you have”. It is important that you continually ensure you have something to give to your marriage. When you fight, argue or are in misalignment with your spouse – your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual reserves get depleted. In order to come back to the table to seek resolution with your spouse you will need to be refilled.
Don’t neglect yourself for the sake of your marriage or your family.
The critical thing to remember about self-care is that it is about you. You are allowed to take some time for yourself. Allow yourself to do what you need to do to be able to re-engage with your spouse and family.
A little self-care goes a long way.
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Thank you Hlano for opening your heart up to us and reminding us that God desires for us to best love our spouses and families by also caring for ourselves.
Let us know if you agree with Hlano. Do you have any personal experiences with taking time out to be filled before engaging your spouse or family? Do you have other ways you have found help you to get re-energized and refocused? We would love to hear from you so go ahead and comment below.