Loving Him Right: Part 2 by Simon Bwerinofa

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Photo Cred: Black Bride Online

PART 2

 

In part one we looked at what seems to be the blueprint from God on roles when relating to our better half. We are now going to look at the aspect of “loving” a man.

 

To ensure that these were not just my thoughts I decided to do a small survey comprising of about 60 males in their 20’s and 30’s from South Africa, Zimbabwe and Candada. Here are the questions from the survey which we will expound below:

 

  1. What do you value the most in a relationship?
  2. What do you like the most in a relationship?
  3. What do you detest the most in a relationship?

 

What Men Value The Most In A Relationship

 

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Photo Cred: Image of 1 Love Tumblr

 

Respect (35%)

As covered earlier, possibly the single most important element in a relationship with any man is respect. In the survey there were no options to choose from yet 35% of men wrote the word “respect” for the question above.

 

So what is respect and how can you show it?

 

Respect can be defined as due regard for a person’s position or abilities. In this context I want to define it as recognition and conduct. What you think of your man is shown in how you recognise him and how you conduct yourself.

 

  1. Recognition

 

Recognition is mostly shown in two ways :-

– decision-making and;

– how you address him.

 

Consider the following two statements which illustrate a decision making process:

 

  1. “Bbe my friends are planning a ladies night/weekend on xx and I would like to go. Is that fine by you?”
  2. “Bbe on xx I’m going with my friends for a ladies night/weekend. Oh I meant to tell you but I didn’t get around to it…”

 

The latter statement shows the decision making process which does not recognise your partner. Although it may seem like a small thing, it actually creates the impression that you do as you please without recognising the involvement of your man in your life which is disrespectful. This can lead to a lack of transparency and other trust issues in the relationship.

 

“What you think of your man is shown in how you recognize him and how you conduct yourself.” – Simon Bwerinofa

 

Addressing your man: It’s often the simple things that count e.g a simple title like “My King” has an impact both on a conscious and subconscious level to a man. The statement not only shows that you recognise your man as the highest authority in your kingdom (you guys’ world) but it also acknowledges that you deem him fit for the title. Am I pushing it?? I don’t think so, it is actually part of the blueprint from God and it’s entwined in our culture.

 

1 Peter 3 vs 5 For in this manner (inward and not outward adornment), in former times (since back then), the holy women who trusted in God (women of the faith) also adorned themselves (inward adornment spoken of in previous verses), being submissive to their own husbands (this is how they adorned themselves inwardly), 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord (there it is, she set the tone back then by calling her man “lord” or if you would like in this modern era “king”), whose daughters you are if you do good (straightforward) and are not afraid with any terror.”

 

Here in Africa, we have heard of the same principle since back then. In my language, Shona, it is common to hear wives responding to their husbands with the words “Shewe / Ishewe” (mostly in the rural areas) which translates to “my king”. In some cases it’s the totem or clan name that is used even amongst men themselves. “Mhofu” “Mugombi” etc…same principle. It’s biblical and it’s cultural – it works. Use it from time to time.

 

  1. Conduct

 

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Photo Cred: Live Laugh Love Locs Tumblr

 

Lastly and perhaps the biggest show of respect is in response to conflict. All healthy relationships brush against each other from time to time. That’s normal and I dare say necessary. But the magic is in how you handle the conflict during and after. This is where the heart of true respect lies.

 

It has the power to nullify or amplify whatever else you would have done when things were normal. A tip that does the trick is to always go with humility. If your mouth got you into trouble it is going to take your mouth to undo the mess – don’t let your mouth be too proud to fix things. If you can’t speak due to shame etc and you are one of those people that apologise by cooking, buying a gift etc then just be sure your man knows that’s how you apologise.

 

Loyalty (18%) & Trust (14%)

 

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Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

While respect deals with recognition and conduct, Loyalty and Trust deal with believing in a person. It is a strong feeling of support or allegiance. For me personally, this is a deal breaker. I cannot be involved with a person who doesn’t believe in me (relationship-wise). If a woman doubts my ability and potential to be a “MAN” in the very essence of the word then I have no business staying in that relationship.

 

It’s often an issue of being myopic – looking at the now and not the future or potential of a person. I strongly believe that on these 2 principles lies the success of any man. When they say “behind every successful man is a woman” it is probably because a woman has empowered her man through these principles. Any man that receives genuine support and trust from his partner has a high chance of reaching his potential. Ever noticed how when people get married things seem to just start going their way?? I believe it’s also partly because of this.

 

So how do you show loyalty and trust?

 

  1. Believe in him (pray for him, SUPPORT him, encourage him, take his word as is)
  2. Hold him accountable (in the plans he sets out)
  3. Do not compare him to other men directly or indirectly – this is both disrespectful and cheap.
  4. Stick with him when things are tough (very tough times will come – it’s a certainty)

 

There may be other points with regards to being faithful etc which may also fall under loyalty and trust as well as respect but in general when a man knows his woman is FOR him, he can be unstoppable.

 

Synergy (21%)

 

“A great relationship happens when two people who truly understand each other and love each other for who they are, come together and create something stronger than either of them could be on their own.” – Unknown

 

Synergy is basically working together to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of your separate effects. In relationship terms, this can be best described using the common phrase “what are you bringing to the table”. God did not intend for any woman to be a parasite (a living organism which depends on another living organism for its existence). NO, it’s a matter of growth and effort.

 

The satisfaction of attempting and achieving. The Proverbs 31 woman best describes this principle. She is hardworking; she is a business woman; she takes care of the household affairs and so on. The idea of being totally dependent on a man is both dangerous and crippling. Some people confuse it with submission and think that when you submit then you chill and get pampered. No, you are part of the body and the whole body “works”.

 

SO, what you can bring to the table is “effort, a willingness to work and support for each other”. You must have a personal drive to improve something or somewhere. Commit to continued growth and support of your partner.

 

Commitment (14%)

 

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Photo Cred: Style Me Pretty Online

 

Commitment encompasses everything we have been talking about on the question of what men value the most in a relationship. It is actually a principle. Commitment says no matter what, I will respect, I will be loyal, I will trust and I will work with my man. When one is committed it’s as though they have arrived on an island of love and they burnt the boat that brought them there and as such there is no going back.

 

It is a quality, if possessed, which may cause a man to turn his back on his best friends for his woman…the kind from the song “When a man loves a woman”. I have seen grown men in tears, appreciating their wives who have this rare heavenly principle built in their characters. I have personally experienced both a committed and an uncommitted relationship. In the latter I discovered later that my gf then had one foot in love and another in fear (of the unknown – that “what if?” fear) and so each time we experienced storms it was rough because she was caught up in two minds. You have to be convinced about him. You can’t “play it safe” – either you are in or not. If not, then it’s best not to waste each other’s time.

 

“When one is committed it’s as though they have arrived on an island of love and they burnt the boat that brought them there and as such there is no going back.” – Simon Bwerinofa

 

What Men Like The Most In Relationships

 

The verse goes, “It is not good that a man should be alone”. Spoken by none other than God Himself. From there we can derive that men want companionship and so in the survey 90% of men wrote companionship as the answer to the above question.

 

Inability to create quality time for your man is starving him of a basic need and possibly creating a void another woman may fill :). So what is quality time then? The answer is probably found in the other 10% of responses to the question. These were (written as is) intimacy, sex, openness, vulnerability, freedom with each other, togetherness, growth and appreciation.

 

It all makes sense because if men are the ones to Love, then since love is other-centered and not self-centered we yearn to express our love to our partners.

 

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Photo Cred: Munaluchi Bride Instagram

 

What Men Dislike The Most In A Relationship

 

Most answers given here were the opposite of what men value most. Answers were in 4 main categories:

 

  • Dishonesty (lies, pretence, manipulation) –  it’s disrespectful and shows lack of trust
  • Dependency (attention leech, nagging, feeling trapped, unrealistic expectations)
  • Selfishness (cheating, unfaithfulness) – you think only about yourself and what YOU want
  • Bad communication (argumentative behaviour, unsaid expectations, hints, complainer)

 

Lower your expectations and refrain from hints/riddles. We are wired differently and we do not interpret things the same way. In terms of attitude when being corrected, being helped and being instructed, don’t say things like “I know” (with an attitude), “you are not my father”, or “you are also not perfect”.

 

Lack of transparency / vulnerability suffocates the relationship and on the contrary the more vulnerable you become in a relationship with the right person, the more you become loveable.

 

Well done for making it this far, we are finally done. So let me say this real quick:

 

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brene Brown

 

In most cases, people (men included) have developed a normalcy around a nasty situation. We grow up in broken families and/or messed up environments which alter our perspective on life and relations. And so because we don’t know better we don’t do better. We continue to only exercise that which we were/are exposed to and the cycle continues. It’s one of the reasons why abuse, disrespect and all these things often continue – its “normal” or “its life”.

 

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Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

I remember I decided in one of my previous relationships to Love as Christ loved to the best of my ability. In the ups and downs of the relationship, I was consistent in showing love and care. Although It was not easy, I eventually got used to it. One of the key revelations I got is that kind of love is not really the love that people want because they have not experienced it especially in their family. It appeared as a weakness in some instances and it certainly wasn’t comfortable in other areas. However ultimately I began to see the fruits.

 

This kind of love (blueprint) is like a light that exposes a person – both the recipient and the giver. In this case the recipient eventually broke down and in that shattered state, surrounded by lots of questions she realised her deeper flaws and issues. Now you want to know what happened after but that’s not the point here.. Stay with me.:)

 

The point is you have to try the blueprint from God though it sounds ridiculous. It will definitely be insightful and it may be the light for someone. If you are not married yet and you are dating then as they say practice makes perfect. Exercise it in principle otherwise you are probably exercising not being submissive which can be a problem when you get married. If the relationship fails then you would have either transformed someone or been transformed yourself by the process. The world is counting on men and women on this front to restore what once was.

 

Let love be love and enjoy. 🙂

 

Simon

Simon pic

Simon Bwerinofa is a young, single and patriotic African who loves God. He is gifted in “making things happen”, loves the process of creating something from nothing or simply solving problems using technology. He has a passion to inspire people to live positive lives and reach their potential. A musician, photographer, athlete and tech entrepreneur.

 


 

Once again, thank you Simon for these insights into doing relationships with men. It’s been refreshing to have a male voice on our platform. The ladies have definitely indicated how beneficial it is to hear from our brothers cause we can mislead one another on topics such as these.

Please go ahead and share your thoughts or questions on the post so we can learn together.

Thank you as always for stopping by our corner of the universe 🙂

 

With love,

Sonia Dee

Author: Sonia Dube

Sonia is a young black African woman (bAw) wholly in love with Jesus Christ and trying to make a difference in this world with and for Him. She is a daughter, sister, friend, colleague, confidant, cheerleader and a Life Coach (amongst other things).

16 thoughts

  1. I think it’s really unfortunate that we only learn these principles when we are in relationships. It’s like being thrown into the deep end of the swimming pool at 30 and being told to swim. All this boils down to effective communication. We come from different backgrounds, cultures and environments. That’s the starting point, seeing each other right. Thanks Simon for this insightful and thought provoking read.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Simon I’ve read both your articles and its safe for me to say I find it soo overdone,we need to accept that people are different and every relationship is different.

    Did you get any input from the ladies perspective or is this just one more of those “how to”guides?

    Until men start realising that they are not obligated to these listed things we’ll be sooo doomed.

    Why is it always the female doing these things?why are these articles aimed to groom the female?.
    Honestly this is overly done and you all need to stop these type of articles to eradicate the thoughts that a man is entitled to all this.

    Do you know how to love ME right?
    Do you know how to communicate with me?
    Or have you seen an article about it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lerato

      Thank you for your feedback on the articles, I’m glad you read through.

      To answer you:-
      1st point: I put a disclaimer in the first article echoing exactly that point on how people and relationships are different but i was going to approach the topic from a principle perspective. please visit it, paragraph 5.

      2nd point :- I think Sonia has covered it well.

      3rd point :- you are not obliged. No man “owns” a woman even his wife. However if the details from part 2 are what we men are saying for a happy relationship then its logical to consider it if you want happiness in your relationship. When you really think about it, it takes just a second to say ‘my king” once in a while to the man you love.. What will that cost you except pride?

      4th and 5th points were well covered by Sonia as well
      All those questions are for a woman to say. As I said at the end of Part 1, I cant tell you how a woman wants to be loved but i can speak for men with the backing of 60+ men.. You cant love us (men) the way you (women) want. So we just said our side of the deal based on the blueprint.

      I hope this helps 🙂

      Like

      1. Simon,

        Unfortunately your response doesn’t spear the core of the point I intended to put across,

        I’m not convinced you are reading my response to understand but merely to reply.

        I am not SDA aChristianand in fact my religion should not matter ,my only concern is the way your articles are structured suggests on countless occasions what women should do to love him right.

        The title on its own suggest that this is a manual on what to do right,how to do it and why you shouldn’t do it.

        1. In my understanding (correct me if I’m wrong) submission is for people that are married,
        And you are single hence im guessing you have not experienced it,how then do you interview people on a topic unknown to you and deduce principles from it?

        2.Is it not only fair that while you interview this group of men you tackle and bag what it is they think other men do wrong in relationships,their flaws,how to fix it,their struggles and how to over come it?

        3.I think people as Christians have extracted what they wish from the bible and made it the “blueprint” I am not very familiar with the bible but I do know that a woman should be submissive to a man who LOVES LIKE CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. Where in your article do you speak of the man’s duty?

        From a social point of view,our current generation of CHRISTIANS are like warm and that according to the bible is a dangerous place to be.

        Also realistically arguments,dissapointment and all other things you have listed as “what men don’t like” is inevitable and suggesting that it takes from loving a man right is utterly misleading for lack of a more polite word.

        Like

      2. Hi Lerato

        Sorry for the delayed response.

        I think we will go around in circles if I respond to your concerns.

        Perhaps consider asking other friends men and women on their thoughts about the articles if you haven’t already.

        Like

  3. Hi Lerato, thank you so much for your frank response. Engagement and learning together is what we’re all about here.

    I’m not sure whether you follow us on social media, but for the month of June we wanted to hear from our black African men. We decided to give them the platform to share their thoughts around certain topics including romantic relationships.

    It is not meant to be a one-sided conversation at all and I am sorry if it came across that way. We generally speak amongst ourselves as women and we wanted to engage the men. At bAw we also tackle the desires of and wiring of women on our site – that is why we’re here really. This month we were handing the mic over to gain better insight into the male psyche.

    I hope that has provided clarity? And it would be really interesting to share a post where you express how a woman desires to be loved too so we can share with our readers. If you are interested, you can contact us at theblackafricanwoman@gmail.com.

    Sonia

    Like

  4. To add my 2 cents,
    I think I really hear where Lerato is coming from, the fundamental problem she is trying to highlight( if I am not mistaken) is that as bAw we are practically raised and taught the blueprint that Simon has shared. Unfortunately is not new knowledge to the ears this thing of respect and submission to a man, it’s even taught at churches, at weddings every where you go u hear about how to love a man.( I have to acknowledge though that Simon has put it in perspective, he’s given practical examples that make it more understandable and easy to relate to) but my point is (or rather to add from Lerato’s point)it’s all good and well to know this blueprint but are men raised and trained to know what it should take to DESERVE this kind of love? The problem is WE PEOPLE have a tendency to easily demand and desire and expect things to happen as we wish but do we equally give attention to what the ingredients required from our side to rightfully deserve and receive This kind of love we desire? Do we start with the man in the mirror?…

    On a different chain of thought I think the majority of women try to be honest (I will not get generalize, it can’t be all women) but perhaps the problem is they try with the WRONG CHOICE OF PARTNERS which leaves them bitter and angry to try again, then when they find the “right guy” they have lost all respect and willingness to submit to a man species that once deeply dissapointed them. How will men not find broken women when they are busy breaking them?… You see women accepting abuse and being cheated on and mistreated as a form of submission and respect to their man, what do we say about that? Did they not follow the blueprint? Where is their rewards? …. so perhaps we should put emphasis to THE MAN THAT DESERVES, the man who is making effort to play his role. The quality of love a woman should give to a man who is playing his manly role, the Man who possess the requirements. At the end of the day this life is designed to accommodate only those who possess at least THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS to be accepted in any school of thought or institution, Love should be seen the same way…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Tumelo

      I understand where you are coming from and it makes some sense. Sonia took words out of my mouth in her response to you so i have little to say.

      1. Two wrongs do not make a right. If he is not loving you right and you don’t want to submit then its probably not love..You are probably together because its convenient and that is beyond the scope of this article.

      2. The conclusion in Part 2 (read from “In most cases people (men included) have developed a normalcy around a nasty situation..”) answers much of what you have raised and has my personal experience in trying out the blueprint.

      3. What exactly is the problem with the principles I have laid out? Which ones are “too much”?

      Like

  5. Hi Tumelo

    This is profound and I have to agree with your train of thinking. It is actually the conversation I have had on numerous occasions with my girlfriends – we have unfortunately encountered the wrong males and engaged in the above principles only to be deeply hurt, which has left us scarred. That’s the reality to be honest.

    On the flipside, I also have a number of good guy friends who have been taught to love a woman and have that consistently thrown back in their faces by the wrong women. They too become scarred and bitter so the experience is on both ends. I have grown tired of seeing good women and men end up bitter from these painful experiences and have a desire for us to forge a healthier way forward.

    I think our desire was to have a frank conversation so we can try to understand why we continually come back to the same place of discontentment. And so I appreciate Simon’s practical insights as well as your and Lerato’s questions and responses around the topic. At least we now have heard and we can respond from a place of understanding so as to be understood as well.

    Again I say this: we would love a response from a woman on “How To Love Her Right” considering what we have learnt from the guys so feel free to be the one to respond. Thank you for reading and for engaging us, and we hope you won’t stop ladies 🙂

    Sonia

    Like

    1. Hi Talent

      Sorry for the delayed response.

      I put up your question on my whatsapp status to get an answer from “mEn”.

      1stly it is not recorded whether the woman was richer than her husband.
      But I guess your real question is “are men comfortable with having a gf or a wife richer than them?”
      The answer is a big YES.
      My one friend said he would marry a billionaire woman any day if she is level headed.

      Most importantly the following points came through.
      – when we are married we are one so whats yours is mine and whats mine is yours
      – when we are together its not about the standard of earning but the standard of living
      – the proverbs 31 woman was of a noble character and brought goodness to her husband in other words she was level headed so even if she was richer it wouldn’t be a problem (this is possibly the only fear for men who may not want a partner richer than them, it threatens the respect principle)

      I hope that answers you well.:)

      Like

  6. Thanks for the insightful articles Simon. Taken in isolation, I fully agree with the ‘blueprint’ it sets out in terms of healthy loving and building solid relations. However…in a practical sense, I agree with Lerato and Tumelo in that I think we have heard this line of thinking since we (as women) were old enough to cook a pot of pap. What I would like to read/engage on, as a grown woman, is to hear what men are doing to deserve this kind of love as has been mentioned before. To steal words from an interview I watched recently, how are men showing women the God in them (in and out of relationships) that will inspire women to submit? I think we need to tone down the ‘what you need to do for me is..” approach and start the “what I need to do is…” approach. I see women (black women especially) spending thousands on therapy sessions, creating discussion forums, writing articles and blogs about our relationship issues because we have realise we have so many residual issues from.. our childhood, past relationships -daddy issues, feelings of neglect, abuse, distorted expectations etc etc- and we are confronting them so we can be better people for our future partners and we are being open and honest about those shortcomings (at the risk of being ridiculed for it)…I don’t hear much about men doing that kind of personal work to ‘fix’ themselves for their future partners but rather quoting Proverbs 31 to us and I think that is where some of the above comments are coming from- that women seem to be doing all the work. These conversations may be happening amongst men in the group chats you referenced for instance but can we get in on those discussions too? Can we have them in open spaces or at least hear whats coming out of them outside of a short summary in a blog piece and engage constructively & build & guide each other? I would be very interested to hear from men on this subject of looking inward and their struggles with being ‘good men’ because we have established that, in 2018, financial stability & not being beaten does not cut it as the standard of a good man anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sihle

      Thank you very much for taking the time to read both posts and fully share your thoughts and questions. My team and I have made note of your feedback as well as everyone else’s, and we look forward to engaging further on this topic as men and women.

      Like

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