Resentment: The Silent Killer (Part I) by Vee Nkambule
Today’s post is fictional but it certainly touches on issues that young black African women are facing even as Christians: Sex outside of marriage. Miscarriages. Merely existing in their marriages. Read on and catch a glimpse into the world of someone you may know but are not aware is dealing with issues that lead to resentment.
She sat up, turned to the left, staring at him in disgust while the truck-like snoring kept her up. ‘Ugh, come on man…’ she says softly to herself while getting up to go to the bathroom for a drink of water. She looks in the mirror with her sleepy eyes, asking herself how much more of this she can take.
Nosi, a 24 year old accountant, has been married for a year and is rather underwhelmed by her relationship. Her chocolate brown eyes are sad and tired.
Slowly turning her head she sees his underwear stuffed inside his pants that were thrown on the floor just next to the laundry basket before his bedtime shower. She sighs deeply, with the mental image of setting them alight along with all of his filthy clothes so she doesn’t have to do the week’s laundry.
She slowly walks back to the bedroom, and approaches his side of the bed. She looks down at the widely opened mouth that was releasing deep sounds that she felt resembled a warthogs’ grunt.
‘Disgusting’ she says under breath, and strips him of the duvet cover and goes to sleep in the lounge. 02:47 is the time, and Nosi finds herself kept up by the memories of who she used to be.
He seemed to change once they were wedded. He was no longer the Bryce that she knew. They were a carefree young couple once, both with budding careers and ambitions.
She knew she wasn’t ready to be married, but their families couldn’t let their children have a child out of wedlock, not especially her overly protective and strict parents. The wedding was swiftly planned and during the end of her first trimester, they said their “I do’s”.
They moved in together soon after and that’s where the trouble began. She realised she didn’t know Bryce at all, and being a man who lived two blocks away from his parents, he hardly needed to lift a finger for himself.
She got sucked into the ‘perfect wife’ role while trying to balance work at the same time, and it all took a toll on her. A few weeks into her second trimester, she had a miscarriage, and that turned her world upside down.
She wasn’t able to deal with her emotions – she still had to work and take care of her home and husband. Yes, she took a few weeks off work after her loss, but Nosi could not sit in the harsh silence of her home with her thoughts screaming at her.
Bryce loved her as best as he could, but the more time passed, the more bitter she became regardless of what he tried to do to comfort her. It was his fault she was in this situation, she told herself.
A year later, 02:48 am, and she has a black veiny cancer spreading through her heart, causing her deep regrets down to the day she met him. It was HIS fault she was overworked and tired, his fault she fell pregnant when she wasn’t even ready for a child, it was his fault she lost the baby. It was all him, she convinced herself, not realising, she was slowly killing herself inside.
“Resentment is an early warning signal for needed change.” – Dr Henry Cloud
Nosi woke up very early the next day to the sound of her husband blending fruits for his morning shake. “I see you left the bed, again…” he says, noticing she is shooting daggers through her eyes that are peeping from the top of the covers.
She says nothing, and he leaves her be like the routine had been every other weekend. He leaves to change his clothes, grabs his keys from the kitchen counter and leaves without another word, holding his smoothie in his hand and slamming the door behind him.
The emptiness in her heart consumes her. Sad and alone, she looks up to the ceiling. “God, where are you? Why am I so cold inside Lord?…” And she begins to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks while she sits cuddled under the cover.
She releases her river of tears. After a good five minutes of painful crying, she stops suddenly, almost in a state of fright. At that moment she decides she needs to go back to Church. She needs to go pray, she needs to let it all go.
Part II continues in the next blog post.
Vee has always had a natural energy which drew her to the creative side of life. She grew up with a love for sketch art, and later on realised her painting talent. She began writing a while back as a hobby to keep her creative juices flowing as a then stay-at-home Mom. Since then, her love and interest has bloomed tremendously and she enjoys writing relatable fiction.
You can find her on social media as Vee Nkambule on Facebook, and vee_nkambule on Instagram.
Thank you Vee for a powerful story. The truth is that this is the reality of some young black African woman who is in the Church. What happens when your choices land you up in a situation you never imagined? When you are faced with intense bitterness yet you believe in a God who is love?
We can’t wait to hear how the story continues for Nosi. As always, please feel free to leave your thoughts, experiences or questions about this post.
Thanks for reading fam. Until next time, we’re praying for you.
The bAw Team