Resentment: The Silent Killer (Part III) by Vee Nkambule
Today is the final instalment of our three-part fictional series on Nosi, a young married woman struggling with the resentment she has developed after losing a baby and the love in her marriage.
In our last post, she had begun her journey to healing yet she still felt empty and lost. Find out how her story ends as she seeks out God in this difficult season of her life.
After a long five weeks of trying to keep up the façade for her husband, Nosi finds herself exhausted. Her heart is heavy and she feels like she is carrying a boulder on her small framed shoulders. She does her usual Sunday morning routine; doing the laundry, cleaning the floors, dusting the curtain rails, fluffing up the couch cushions, doing the dishes and of course, eating her bowl of muesli alone at the kitchen counter.
She was feeling rather isolated. She didn’t go out much unless she was with Samke on a random Saturday for lunch and cell meetings, and for service the next day. Nosi’s after-church dates with Samke had helped a little. She had someone to confide in and encourage her.
Samke, albeit very wealthy, remained as down to earth as the earth’s core. She was definitely the shoulder Nosi needed to cry on when she found herself feeling low. They prayed together, prayed for each other, and their relationship deemed itself very good for Nosi, for a short time. She knew the real world was waiting for her once she arrived home.
Calling her mother was extremely awkward. She avoided making contact after the miscarriage because of the blasé responses she would get: ‘Making children is a job for your husband, you can make another one. What is the problem?’
Her mother once told her that she was expected to hush up and do what she needed to do, or else her husband will find another woman to procreate with. She hated this mind-set, her mother just didn’t understand, or maybe she did, but failed to empathise.
Her own mother had suffered two miscarriages of her own, one before, and one after Nosi’s birth. After the second miscarriage, her father had an affair with a woman who gave him two more children, the sons he had always dreamed of. Noisi’s mother became stone cold, hardened by her husband’s infidelities and that affected the way she raised her daughter.
She was very heavy handed with her rules, although Nosi knew very well it came from a place of making sure she was always protected. Unfortunately it went in the wrong direction and strained their mother-daughter relationship, the type Nosi yearned for.
She didn’t know her two half-brothers, but she forgave her father a few years back after she saw how much effort he made to show his mother that he was wrong for straying all those years back. As well, he sought forgiveness from his precious daughter, and admitted he had wronged her too in a few ways. He lived to work for their marriage and family including his sons, and seeing her father humble himself as much as he did, softened Nosi’s heart.
She tried to get a hold of Samke once again, hoping she was back from her trip to central Africa with a division of the Church to help with Women’s Rights in Prayer. Samke left three weeks ago, leaving Nosi to deal with her little secret on her own until she returned, which made the situation slightly harder for her.
She was unable to speak with her own husband. She and Bryce had a white elephant that joined them everywhere in the house, wherever they went. She would tell him she wasn’t feeling well, and in her defence and honesty, she really wasn’t.
She was rather drained and unable to keep some foods down, but Bryce felt it was just another excuse to pull away from him, after he thought they had made some progress. She had done well so far, on time and with precision to do for her husband anything he asked of her; but she was now tired, in every way.
After placing her empty breakfast bowl in the sink, she poured herself a cup of green tea, and walked out to the backyard where they had an ash-brown two-seater bench with sky blue cushions in the middle of the porch. She felt the spring breeze on her face, brushing past her hair, blowing gently at her soft mid-length afro.
She breathed in the warm air while her right hand rested on the bench arm-rest holding her tea cup by the brim. She looked up to the sky, needing answers. “God, why do I still feel this way? I need a sign, My God, please speak to me. Why can’t I hear you??” Silently praying.
She hears the door open, then close. She glances through the window into the kitchen to look at the time on her round, red wall clock. ‘9:50. He can’t be back so soon?’ She thinks to herself. His Sunday routine for the past few months was leaving early and returning after lunch or even later, so she shrugs her shoulders assuming he forgot something in the house that he needed to fetch.
“Nosi?” Bryce called out, and she looked back at his footsteps getting louder as he approached the door. He stops at the doorway, then moves slowly toward her, breathing slightly heavily. He sits next to her, and lets out a heartfelt sigh. She looks at him from the side of her eye, then turns her attention back to the scenery she was lost in.
“I… I’m supposed to be, uhm… I’ve been sitting in the car for the past hour…” He began. She sits as still as a statue, wondering what he has to say. “Mdu tried to call me a few times and, I just couldn’t get myself to leave. I, was looking for my licence in my wallet and… I came across… this…”
He unfolds an image, their first child’s ultrasound at 4 weeks. A tiny little bean blessing that didn’t have the change to grow and meet his loving parents. Nosi turns her head and her eyes well up with tears. She reaches out to touch the image, tracing her finger on the front while Bryce holds it open.
“My baby… my precious baby…” She whispers as a tear rolls down her cheek. “Nosi, you lost a baby, and you shut me out… you lost a baby and you chose to drown yourself in work to deal with it. You kept yourself from me, you didn’t want me near you…”
Her eyes change and become angry, and just as she’s about to respond, he stops her gently. “I lost a child too, and I have been in pain. I had my own emotions to deal with, and I had to do it alone. But…” Her eyes relax, and she calms down and lets her guard down.
“WE lost a child, and when you chose to do work and excessively clean and tire yourself out, I should have rubbed your sore feet. I should have fought harder to make myself present in your life, I should have held you up. As your husband, I am your protector, and I failed you. You chose to be strong because it’s how you are, but I should have been there, for you to see that it was ok to be weak. I should have been your strength…”
“Communicate. Even when it’s uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal, is simply getting everything out.” – Unknown
Bryce’s head drops and he closes his eyes and begins to cry silently, wiping away his tears with his left hand, while his right hand tremors, still clutching the ultrasound image. Her heart drops, and at that moment she begins to listen, to Bryce and her surroundings.
“Bryce-“ he interrupts. “Nosisa, it wasn’t your fault, and you have carried this pain that I can’t heal and it kills me. I am sorry, about everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold you tightly when I heard you cry in the middle of the night. I am sorry our baby is gone. I am sorry that… you felt you didn’t know me, but you do, I know you do. I just let you forget, and I apologise so much…”
At this time, Bryce is breaking down, his emotions are overwhelming. She reaches her hand and strokes his face, wiping his tears away. She raises his head to face her, he is still crying quietly. She leans over and hugs him; “Nosisa, I love you so much” he says, after calming down.
She kisses his cheek and touches her forehead on his, and they breath in each other’s breath softly. “I forgive you, Bryce” she whispers, and begins to sob at the release she finally feels. The past few months she had been listening, but not hearing the Word of God. Going to Church was easy, but understanding the deeper reason was harder. She finally heard it, what she had been crying for, for months on end. She heard the Voice of God; ‘Forgiveness’.
Her heart is light, and when she opens her eyes she feels like a weight has been lifted off of her heavy chest. She smiles at him, and repeats in joy “I forgive you, and I am so sorry too. I am sorry I didn’t consider your feelings, I love you so much…” She smiles through her tears, and the couple dry one another’s tears.
They remain in their embrace, and he kisses her forehead multiple times and once on the lips. That, for her, was the most intimate feeling she had had with him in ages. She felt so close to her husband again, her face lit up as he laid her head on his chest and they sat in silence for a moment.
“Bryce?” She says softly. His hands toy through the soft kinks of her hair. He responds by turning his head down to her. “There’s something I need to tell you…” She sits up, and takes his hand and places it on her lower abdomen.
She looks down, then looks back up at him. His eyes widen, and he smiles, then breaks into tears once again. “Are you telling me…? We…” “Yes, Bryce.” She nods and laughs in happiness and relief. He hugs her and holds her tightly, stroking her face and hair.
“You will be the most amazing mother in the world” Bryce says to her while nuzzled in her neck. A tear rolls down her cheek. She looks up to the Heavens above and whispers; “Thank you God.”
Vee has always had a natural energy which drew her to the creative side of life. She grew up with a love for sketch art, and later on realised her painting talent. She began writing a while back as a hobby to keep her creative juices flowing as a then stay-at-home Mom. Since then, her love and interest has bloomed tremendously and she enjoys writing relatable fiction.
You can find her on social media as Vee Nkambule on Facebook, and vee_nkambule on Instagram.
What a powerfully beautiful story of forgiveness, humility and love through Christ! Thank you Vee for portraying so accurately the experiences we go through as people who love God yet are living in this tough world filled with harsh realities.
Thank you sis for reading. Let us know if you can relate to Nosi’s experience? Are there struggles you find are difficult to push through even though you love God? Maybe you have worked through resentment yourself and can share a bit of your story to encourage someone else.
Remember that we’re always praying for you.