Tag: Relationships

Dreams For The Black African Father

Published on by Sonia Dube2 Comments
Father with his daughter
Photo Cred: Instagram

 

Hi bAw family

 

In honour of Father’s Day this Sunday, I thought I would pen dreams and wishes that I believe some black African women (bAw) have for their fathers. The relationship between daughter and father in the African context has been a complex one, and I believe that if a young bAw could write a letter to her father it would read something like this:

 

Dear Dad,

I wish that you would freely express your love for me in words and in deeds. Although I know you love me because society says a father loves his child and because you pay my school fees or make sure I am fed, I need to hear this from you. Hearing and knowing that I am loved by you eases my anxiety to receive love from others.

 

I wish you would spend more on-one-on time with me where we just enjoy each other’s company and get to know one another better. Spending time together doesn’t necessarily mean that others must be there or that we must be running an errand. Being together literally means that. All we need is just the two of us. Being known by you will open me up to seeing myself more clearly because I know you will not lead me astray. And besides, I want to get to know all the different sides to you that others don’t get to see.

 

I wish that you could advise me on every aspect of life and not just school or career or finances. I want your words and counsel to be my directive when it comes to recognizing whether a potential suitor is the best for me. I want to be able to come and tell you what he did or what he’s saying so that you can warn me and protect me from the not-so-great guys that are out there these days. I don’t want to just speak to my friends or to Mum about it. I need a male perspective from the man I know would want my heart cherished.

 

I wish you could be strong enough to say sorry. To your wife. To your friends. To your family. To your colleagues. To yourself. To me. I know that you’ve been raised to believe that saying sorry is a sign of weakness but it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and others. And making a mistake or hurting others is a part of life – we all do it. But very few people acknowledge it and own up. When you do that, it elevates people’s respect for you.

 

I wish you would seek out your emotional well-being a little more because when you are whole, it penetrates to your loved ones. I know that our African culture shuns any idea of talking your issues over, especially as a man, but even God states that we ought to carry each other’s burdens (Galations 6:2). No man is an island – as the saying goes. And it hurts me to know that there are some atrocious experiences and feelings that you carry alone that could be eased just by sharing.

 

I wish you believed that I harbour no ill-feelings towards you. Yes you may have hurt me and disappointed me before, but I have forgiven you. I recognize you are a sinner as much as anyone else is, and I entrust your life to God to be changed and moulded. So stop trying to deny it or cover it up like nothing happened. Seek to work through your struggles with your Saviour because I believe you are much more than your past or what think you are. Don’t do it for me or anyone else, but for yourself.

 

I wish that you could recognize how amazing a man you are. You are in the minority of men who stick around for their children regardless of how they may feel or what they have gone through. You work tirelessly from day to day to make sure there is always food on the table, three times a day, 7 days a week, all-year round. You carry the weight of that responsibility as though your life depended on it and I can see how you wish you could do so much more. That makes me love you all the more.

 

Finally, I wish you knew how much I respect and love you. Our culture doesn’t necessarily allow for the free expression of emotions with our fathers but I would freely tell you how much you mean to me. You are my King. You are my rock. You are my provider. You are my shield. You are my benchmark. I look up to you and always will so please don’t stop growing and becoming more of the man God created you to be.

Love always,

Your Daughter

 

What else would you add to this letter? What would you leave out?

My Daddy and I
My Daddy and I ❤

Wishing all the fathers out there, and especially my own Papa Dubez, a very Happy Father’s Day!! We see you, we appreciate you, we love you. Our lives are lost without you.

 

With love,

Sonia Dee

10 Things I Appreciate About Black African Mothers

Published on by Sonia DubeLeave a comment
Mama Dubez
The woman I am so blessed to call Mama

In a couple of days, many different countries around the world will be honouring mothers in wonderful ways. The 14th of May is a day that I am so glad sits on the international calendar because to be a mother is no small feat. In fact, it is such a special task that even though Jesus Christ did not have an earthly biological father He certainly had an earthly biological mother in Mary (Luke 1:26-38; Luke 2:1-7). She was instrumental in helping to shape Him into the one-of-a-kind Man that He is.

I myself was raised and cared for by a phenomenal woman who recently celebrated a birthday. In recent years, I’ve been able to see all that she has done for me, my siblings and many other young people around her. And so today, I would like to take a moment to specifically appreciate her and my black African mamas for who they are and all they have done for us. These are the reasons that make the black African mother a gift:

  1. More often than not, she has sacrificed her personal and career dreams for the benefit and growth of her husband’s career and their family. My own Mum was a successful Town Planner but she chose to say goodbye to her career at the age of 31 years so that our family could relocate to a different country because of my Dad’s new job and his career advancement. I have never once heard her complain about this sacrifice she had to make, and in fact she speaks with such joy about how she was happy to be there for us. Mothers make a sacrifice look like a gain.
  1. She always has a way of making it look like she never gets ill, and is always ready to help you out no matter how she is feeling. I don’t ever really remember my Mum complaining about feeling ill. But I remember many times when I wasn’t well and she’d nurse me back to full health like I was her only care in the world. Mothers are the most uncelebrated super heroes in this world.

 

  1. Regardless of the terrible circumstances she has faced in her past or present, she carries herself with such grace and dignity. Most of our mothers grew up in the times of apartheid and similar ideological movements, facing a lot of discrimination, abuse and rejection. They may even face discrimination in their workplaces today. Yet, looking at how they dress and present themselves, or how they address those around them, you could swear they never went through any of that. Black African mothers are the strongest people out there because they do not allow their negative experiences to define them.
  1. She has a way of celebrating every little achievement in your life from your first day at school; to making your first friend or; even getting the part of curtain-raiser at your school play! My sister likes to say this a lot, and I agree with her – my mother is our greatest cheerleader. She makes you feel like you have conquered Mount Kilimanjaro even if it’s just the fact that you went to the first day of work! Mothers have a way of making you feel like the winner you are but haven’t quite yet believed in.
  1. She is the only person who can reprimand you so badly about something you shouldn’t have done, yet make you feel like you’re deeply loved all at the same time. The black African mother has a way of sharing her disappointment in your behaviour while still allowing you to feel as though she still believes you are better than your mistake.

 

  1. She is the most forgiving human being on this planet. Our mothers have been hurt deeply by family, friends, strangers and everyone in-between. They are tested on a daily basis by their employers, their husbands and their children yet they pour out their love and concern for these individuals as though they had never slighted them. Black African mothers have the deepest hearts and the shortest memories I have come across to date.

 

  1. She throws it DOWN in the kitchen! I have not come across a mother from my parents’ generation (1960s/1970s and before) who does not have a minimum of like 5 special dishes that leave her guests licking their fingers. My own Mama has so many self-made recipes that I am still trying to get right. Cooking is second nature to her and her food always exudes the love she has for those she has prepared it for, even if she has just met them for the first time. Mothers are the best, yet most underpaid, chefs in the world.
  1. She is a mother to every young person she comes across regardless of whether she knows them or not. My mother knows (to an extent) what is going on in my friends’ lives and gives her advice/counsel to so many young people around her. She does it without even realizing it, and people always leave her feeling encouraged. Black African mothers recognize that being a mother is a full-time job and her child is anyone who needs guidance and support – whether or not she gave birth to them.

 

  1. She would die for you. I have seen how my mother carries my own burdens as though they were her own. She won’t sleep and she’ll try and see how she can best support or help you through your trial. If possible, she would take my place and go through the pain on my behalf. Thus, it is safe to say that a mother, given the choice, would give her own life that her child should live.
  1. Her hugs still bring such comfort no matter how old you get. I’m 31 years old now and when I’m feeling a little low I will still go put my head on my mother’s lap or ask her to give me a hug. When I’m in her arms my sorrows disappear, and I believe that all is well once again. Mothers have a way of enveloping you in their love by being nurturing.

 

These are just a few of the many reasons why I have deep respect and love for black African mothers. I would love to hear what you appreciate about your black African mother or one that you know. Let’s give back to them in whatever small way we can, the love they have selflessly poured into us over the years.

With love,

Sonia Dee

Mama and I
My beautiful Mama and me 🙂

Guest Post: The Joys Of Being A Single Woman In The Church Community by Larissa Subira

Published on by Sonia Dube1 Comment
Singled Out Flower
Photo Cred: Kobaken

Oh the journey of being a single woman in the church community, where does one begin?  Let’s just say I’m an old hand at this game, and the journey of a single woman of ‘marriageable age’ – what that even means is a story for another day – in the church community is a challenging experience. It’s a world that has to be navigated with thick skin and a strong sense of humour.

Firstly, let me say that this is not a church-bashing exercise. It’s more of an opportunity to think of ways we can improve our church environments for all those who come for spiritual fellowship. Having said that, there a few assumptions the church makes about single people that make it hard to treat the church community as a safe space for fellowship.

Here are just a few:

  1. It is assumed that there is something lacking in your life. That you are incomplete without a partner. You may at one point have heard this: “Your standards are too high, you need to put yourself out there”; “You’re too outspoken, maybe you should be more lady-like”; and my favourite one, “You don’t act like you need someone in your life”. Statements like these can really leave you frustrated and hurt, leave you wondering if you aren’t more than your marital status. When an elder in the church is asking you how you are, do they ask about your spiritual life, whether you are content? What your dreams are for ministry? One doesn’t get a sense that there is concern for your spiritual life, rather than the ticking of boxes as one goes through certain stages in their life.  This is of concern as the focus on the external leaves a false sense of security that if this certain aspect of your life is ‘sorted’, you’re okay and yet that is generally not the case. Nothing is ever really as it seems which brings me to the next assumption.
  1. That contentment will be found once you’ve reached this point in your life. There’s such an urgent push for you to change your marital status and noting the growing divorce rate within the church, this perhaps may not be a healthy approach.  I believe the church does not emphasize enough the importance of being whole within yourself outside of a relationship. Who is this young person in Christ? Has God completed the work in this young person before they get married? Have they learnt the lessons they should have?  Does this sanctifying process necessarily have a clock? Does it naturally strike at 25 or 30 for all young women?
  1. So apart from being discontent, it is also paradoxically assumed that you’re this happy go-lucky person whose life is easy with very few responsibilities or challenges. This is probably one of the most hurtful assumptions. So many young people especially in their late 20s and early 30s are either financially or emotionally responsible for their siblings and parents. The majority of their expenses are spent on others. A young person may also be ‘parenting’ their younger siblings and yet when the church is having family life programs, no thought is given to young people that may need some parenting advice too. For example, how one deals with a younger sibling who has turned away from God; is failing at school or; with a parent who may have a chronic illness so they need to find resources for their healthcare and maintain a job to cover all these expenses. Most young people are dealing with the combination of such challenges.  This leads me to my final point.
  1. The assumption that guidance or counselling is not wanted is a fallacy. So many young people are dealing with questions about how to handle life on a day-to-day basis. As an elder, can you show me how to budget for ‘black tax’ and yet maintain my month-to-month expenses? How can I maintain my spiritual life the day I feel so burdened by life’s pressures? How does one deal with life’s frustrations, when you feel stuck, like life is not moving forward? How do I take care of those around me who need help and also continue contributing to ministry?

I could go on and on, the list is endless. My point is, marriage is a beautiful gift that God granted the world with, and in time those who are meant to have that gift will receive it. In the mean time, let’s treat young single people as individuals outside of this status. Can they be seen as adults who also have responsibilities and would probably benefit more from your advice in other aspects of their lives. It’s interesting, the church community exists within society and with that comes common expectations of young people of a certain age.  However, the world doesn’t care about my soul and my salvation, shouldn’t the church? Just a thought…

 

Larissa

Larissa is a beautiful Rwandan girl by way of DRC, Swaziland and now South Africa with an ever curious mind about God and the world around her. A driven, loyal person who knows who she is, a bit stubborn but always up for a robust debate. Larissa is sweet and courageous all at the same time, and a pleasure to be around.

Guest Post: “Speak Your Mind… Except To Me” by Rumbidzayi Dube

Published on by Sonia Dube3 Comments

lips-talking

Source: Shutterstock Online

I am my father’s daughter.

Opinionated. Headstrong. Vocal. I speak my mind. A reflection of our patriarch. Qualities that my father himself has admired in me yet struggled to embrace since I was a child.

I’ve had numerous conversations with my father where I have voiced my views and opinions. After all, we were sent to school to understand the world and learn to develop cohesive arguments from what we saw. School taught me so much that goes beyond the classroom. It taught me to believe I had a voice and a valuable opinion. Joining debate teams, Toastmasters and public speaking competitions all helped me fine tune my natural disposition.

You will thus understand why it came to me as a great shock when, a few years ago, a young cousin fell pregnant out of wedlock and the advice from our fathers in this instance was “Boys, wear a condom. Girls, don’t have sex.” I have never forgotten that encounter. Nor have I forgotten an argument with my Pops where I was told “You should learn to keep quiet”. Our argument had been about principles that I felt strongly about. We were not seeing eye-to-eye and when I challenged his stance, my father was left with one form of ammunition that he knew I had no armour against as a young, black African daughter. He was my elder and what he says goes. Full stop.

Look, it’s not like I wanted to go on a sex rampage nor did I want to disrespect my elders. I just felt very strongly against the double standards that were staring me in the face. Was I destined to a life of stifling my opinions, my viewpoints, my feelings, myself? As long as I thought differently to my male superiors, was I to lead a life of self-censorship? That scared me.

That is the truth of the black African woman (bAw) in many instances. Of course there are leaders in any family and world. Those are usually the male figures in families and we can’t dispute the need for leaders. The problem, however, comes when you feel less of yourself as a result of censorship. Like you are being stifled and can’t be yourself. Looking to the generations before me, the pattern seems to be perpetuated. Women in the household have a very distinct role and it most certainly is not to challenge the men.

It saddens me because I believe there is a lot of benefit that comes from open dialogue. Yes, it’s not always going to be pretty or easy, but I think greater progress can be achieved in challenging, understanding and respecting one another.

This phenomenon isn’t only prevalent with older generations as far as I’ve experienced. Young men too can be threatened by opinionated women and shy away from that. If you call a man out, it is deemed unattractive. The expectation seems to be for women to tolerate all of men’s wiles and behaviours, even if disrespectful. It’s a catch 22 and has been a landmine to navigate in my short life.

All this has been cause for much deliberation and consternation in me as I seek to understand life. Surely God didn’t allow me to have these thoughts and views for them to be silenced? Granted, I am far from perfect and have been on a journey towards expressing myself in a way that others are more receptive to. All that being said, I know I cannot be an anomaly. I don’t believe I would be.

It is an ongoing struggle. Learning when I need to hush without stifling myself and speaking up when I need to whilst being respectful to others. One day, I hope it will be less taboo and more appreciated for opinionated and vocal women. For now though, a luta continua.

dsc_0540

Rumbidzayi Dube is a phenomenal young woman who is intelligent, brave and well-articulated when it comes to the daily struggles of a young black African woman. She is a beautiful child of God who is passionately seeking to fulfill His purpose on Earth and part of that includes running a thought-provoking blogsite at http://www.rumbidzayiishe.com. You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

 

What are your thoughts and/or experiences around this topic? Do you think bAw are unnecessarily silenced? Have you struggled as an opinionated bAw? Do you believe bAw should know their place and not speak up unless asked to?  I’d love to hear your thoughts so please share below!

With love,

Sonia Dee

5 Reasons Every Young Woman Needs a Female Mentor

Published on by Sonia DubeLeave a comment

The amazing women who have poured into my life. Thank you!

Happy New Year family! I hope you had a lovely break and that your 2017 has got off to a good start so far. I’m pretty sure that some of you are making resolutions and goals for this New Year, or you may just be thinking about what you want to do differently in this new season.

One of the things that shifted my life positively was having older sister- and mother-friends who mentored and poured into me. I believe that every young woman needs her Elizabeths and Ruths to help her navigate the difficult terrains of life and to become all she was called to be. I’m hoping that this post encourages just one lady to resolve to pray for and seek out female mentors in 2017.

Let’s look at 5 reasons why I believe every young woman needs older women in her life:

  1. To Confirm What God has Told You About Your Life’s Purpose: When I look at the story of Elizabeth and Mary, when Mary enters Elizabeth’s house she must have been feeling overwhelmed (read Luke 1:39-45)! She may have even be doubting the purpose God placed on her life because it seemed ridiculous and impossible – I mean falling pregnant as a virgin?! And giving birth to her Saviour!! Yet, the moment she steps into the house, Elizabeth confirms the words that the Angel had just told Mary without Mary divulging anything (Luke 1:42-43). God used Elizabeth as an instrument to confirm His purpose over Mary’s life in case she doubted it at all or couldn’t quite envision it.

Even in my walk, the older women God has blessed me with have confirmed who God has called me to be. Through the revelation and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, they see the gifts and capabilities He has put on my life – just like Elizabeth saw Mary’s. They scare me sometimes with how much they believe in that calling yet it encourages me that I am on the right path as I go along and whenever I feel doubtful. God allows only a few people insight into your life and it is these people that He uses to remind you that you’re becoming who He called you to be. It is so vital to have a few of these in your life.

  1. To Watch Over You: In today’s modern society, we often live far away from home and from the protection and guidance of our parents. Granted we may speak to them regularly but they are not on the ground and cannot fully comprehend the struggles and battles you face. And at times, they may be too invested in you growing in a certain direction that they miss understanding your challenges – from friendships, to career decisions, to romantic attachments and just your spiritual journey. As a young woman you are vulnerable – to hanging around the wrong friends, entering the wrong romantic relationships or even conducting yourself inappropriately at work and you may not see it. In the book of Ruth (Chapter 2), Naomi counsels Ruth about her career decisions and how to glean from Boaz’s field, as well as giving her advice about a potential romantic relationship. She has experience and she imparts her wisdom to Ruth.

Likewise, my mentors have coached me on a whole lot in my own life. They can tell from a mile away whether a guy is just trying to waste my time or not, even if I’m so into him and I try to hide details around him. They teach me about tough but important work ethics. They warn me about the people I let into my space. They pray for and with and over me and my life. They are my watchmen (Isaiah 62:6-7) and they will not tire of bringing me before the throne of God until He establishes me! What comfort, hope and security there is in knowing there are women who have walked through what you are going through and have your back! Especially in the spiritual realm, it is so important to have mature women lifting you up in prayer. The devil is seriously out to wipe you out and you need all the support you can get in 2017!

  1. They Call You Out and Challenge You to Be Better: I remember shying away from interacting with older people because I had issues with figures of authority and I projected it on any older person. I felt like they just wanted to control me and tell me what to do without understanding me. So I missed out on years of growth and development because of my fears and ignorance. I have come to appreciate that God places mentors over us to call us out on our ugly stuff as lovingly as possible. Unfortunately, because we are human and don’t like hearing the negative stuff about ourselves, we don’t always receive this well. But when we take time to think about and reflect on the feedback of mentors, we realize that it’s for our own good. We realize that they are actually genuinely concerned about our well-being. I am thankful to my sister- and mother-friends who do this with me.

Further to this, they push me to be better. They see my potential and are not satisfied with me being mediocre. This means that they will challenge me and ask me some tough questions. The same way God prunes us and it’s no fun. They get me to face things about myself that I don’t like or that I would rather ignore. This is because they believe in me and know that I can do and be better. I appreciate it now in hindsight and I believe that this is necessary for every young woman.

  1. To Teach and Prepare You for Future Stages in Your Life: My mentors have gone through things and are in spaces in their lives that I hope to enter one day. Whether that is running their own business; marriage; being a mom; or engaging in personal ministry. They are making waves in their lives and I pray to grow into such a phenomenal woman one day. And you know that they say one of the ways to get insight into the kind of person you’ll be in 5 years’ time, is to look at the people who influence you the most currently. My dad used to say that I should seek to be around people who are smarter and more successful than me and now I realize why.

My mentors have walked the journey I am on, so they understand the snags I will hit and what qualities I need to develop now to be successful later. They teach me by sharing their personal life experiences and by allowing me into their personal space – babysitting their children; attending events they are running; working on projects with them. They teach me by allowing me to observe their interactions with other people and by devotionals and prayers that they share with me. They teach me by being honest about their own shortcomings and humanity. I now understand why the bible encourages us young people to submit ourselves to our elders (1 Peter 5:5a). They have a lot to impart to us. You’ll be entering brand new experiences and stages in your life in 2017, and what better way to prepare for them than to speak to those who have already been there.

  1. So That You Can Pay It Forward: It is a good principle to share what you have received. Too many young people are messing up bad in life today because they had no-one to guide them in the right direction. If you have been fortunate enough to have someone invest in you, it doesn’t stop there. It is your prerogative to pay it forward. You will bless another young person’s life just by doing and sharing what you saw and received. It will also continue to grow and challenge you as a person. So as you are mentored, take notes that you can hand over to someone else later. Because one day a younger you will need what you have gained. That is one of the ways to be your sister’s keeper.

In a nutshell, it is so important to have female mentors because no man is an island. We all need help and we all need good counsel and guidance. We certainly don’t know it all, and one of the best qualities to have is to recognize this truth and have a teachable spirit.

Do you have older women in your own life who bless you? What is that like? Or do you have a different opinion about mentors? I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts around this topic!

Wishing you only God’s best in 2017 and beyond!

With love,

Sonia Dee

Guest Post: Busted! Caught Red-Handed by Sithabile Sibanda

Published on by Sonia Dube3 Comments

Busted

Photo Cred: MTG Focus

 

“She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.” – Proverbs 3:15

Do you know your value? Are you aware of what you are worth? How often have you found yourself in the same place over and over again? Doing the same thing and expecting different results…

That was my story for a while until I got caught! Yes, I got caught. The thing is, I wasn’t busted by anyone around me, not my family, friends or anyone. It was God.

Many times we walk around and seem “at peace” as though everything is okay when we know that we are on a battlefield. We don’t know our worth neither do we know Whose we are. It’s a fight between what others say and what God says, between who the world says we belong to and knowing Whose we are. The war is never ending.

Not until a while ago did my eyes open to see what I had turned into. I had lost myself because of the few things that run my life, one of them being forgiveness.  It was a struggle for me, as in a serious struggle. I had mountains of pain erected over a long period of time. I had reached a point where, if I was told something negative (you are not skinny enough, beautiful, intelligent, well dressed, etc.) I would remember every detail of it – how it was said; by whom and; when it was said and I would replay it in my head each day for hours on end.

Yeah I know! It was bad. The problem was I had a number of negative elements that were running my life caused by un-forgiveness that determined what I was worth.  Funny thing is that I would still want to be attached to the cause of the negative – I expected different results all the time but that never happened. I was stuck and no one could help me and I wasn’t going to tell anyone even if I was paid to 😛

Hate is a very strong word, and I hate to use the word “hate” about anything. And I certainly hate the thought that I might actually have hate for another person. But that is exactly what unforgiveness is – the root of hate. Unforgiving thoughts turn to hate inside us. For years I entertained unforgiving thoughts because they had a ripple effect and that was looking down on me. When we don’t forgive, we don’t see clearly and we stumble around in confusion.  We become weak, sick and bitter. We push away everything and anyone that can help us get past whatever it is that is hurting us.

“Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.”- 1 John 3:15

We choose to forgive whether we feel like it or not. It’s a decision and not a feeling. If we wait for good feelings, we could end up waiting a lifetime.

I made a decision to forgive those who had hurt me. But not only that – I chose to forgive myself. I realised that I had allowed people to run my life while they slept peacefully at night just because I held on to the one thing they said or did last summer. I looked at myself based on the judgement of others even just passers-by. It was way too much to live with on a daily basis, but I got busted, and it wasn’t nice. I had to look at my dirty laundry chilling on the line.

Realising that I had created a cycle in my life hurt, but it had to be fixed.  God had brought me to my knees and opened my eyes to all the murders I had committed.

“Either what women having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, seek diligently till she find it. And when she hath found it, calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.” – Luke 15:8-9. For many years I tried to find my value like the woman who lost her coin but I am grateful that I got busted and God showed me where to look.

People who lose things have the responsibility to find them and thank God I got busted. I found the one piece I had been searching for and after I had sought for this coin everywhere, it then became easier to see that we all have a story. The same person who’s causing you pain may just need to numb their own pain. It doesn’t make it right, but the way you treat them may just make them a better person.

In my life there are healed wounds that have ugly scars but each day that goes by comes specially made and there is value added to me.

The journey continues…

With love,

Sithabile

 

Stha 3

Sithabile is a young Seventh-Day Adventist Christian woman trying to live for God. She currently resides in Johannesburg, South Africa and is vibrant, talented and loving. She is employed by Juta Publishing at the moment and is a business woman in her own right as well. Sithabile is passionate about helping others regardless of who they are. She’s a little crazy (:P) but is not above doing work required for the ministry of Christ. Most of all, she is saved by Grace.

Guest Post: Becoming Proverbs 31 by Ehui Osei-Mensah

Published on by Sonia Dube1 Comment

Proverbs 31

It is no secret to many that the Bible is an amazing source of strength, wisdom, and encouragement. As a Christian working mother and wife I constantly need God’s written word to power through my busy life. However, the Bible is also a sharp critic. Sometimes I find it akin to a mirror with bright unflattering lights, exposing the flaky skin and zits that no amount of make-up can cover. In fact, nothing exposes my failings and whips me back into shape faster than the Bible. In His holy word, God clearly presents the standard that Christians should aspire to and if we fail to keep it (His unwavering grace in mind), living up to God’s standard can be quite daunting.

As a Christian woman, Proverbs 31 is one of such passages that inspires me and terrifies me all at once because of the truly high standards it espouses. I would willingly blame Solomon for using the collective skills of all his 300 plus wives to define an impossible standard for all women in this book. But I digress….the Bible is, after all, the inspired word of God so we can assume God’s voice in its every passage. Proverbs 31 is therefore God’s standard for what a superwoman should be.

The passage tells me that the ideal wife and mother barely sleeps but is still able to wake up early to start her busy day (vs. 15). She is a great cook, dress maker, and yet still a successful entrepreneur – buying real estate with her own earnings (vs.16)! She is a philanthropist, opening her house to the poor (vs. 20), and is a kind and effective manager and master planner, rewarding her employees generously and managing her home with poise and grace. She does all this while slaying in all her outfits. Yes! This lady is supposedly physically fit and fashionable! She has strong and toned Michelle Obama arms (vs. 17) and slays in fine linen and purple – in other words – haut couture (vs. 22). She ensures that her household is well-clothed too and brings honor to her husband and family (vs. 23).  She is good natured and a wise teacher (vs. 25, 26). Naturally, her husband and children are full of praises for her, who wouldn’t? Who is this woman? She is certainly not me on most days.

How on earth do I match up? Most days I’m stuck at step one. I, like the Proverbs 31 woman, don’t sleep much but I am certainly not springing out of bed before the sun is up with a smile on my face, ready to cook and clean before work. It takes many a slam of the snooze button and kind coaxing from my dear husband to get me out of bed and coherent on most days. I certainly do not manage real estate businesses. I have only one job – one busy job – but nothing compared to the strides of this Proverbs 31 woman. Though I love to look good, I can’t make my own clothing and the ones I buy sport labels of designers whose names you don’t need French training to pronounce (aka not haut couture) and this woman is out there slaying in bespoke fine linen and purple. Could she seriously be real?

For us working wives and mothers who still want to rely on God’s word as the standard for all our endeavors, is the Bible somehow setting us up to fail with an impossible standard? Is there ever a way to happily balance a high powered professional career with wifehood and motherhood, especially as an African woman in the diaspora with external family support miles away? Well, according to Proverbs 31, there are no excuses for mediocrity and yes, it appears possible to be a real superwoman! The one thing the passage doesn’t quite mention is the fact that this woman must be spending some time on her knees communicating with God for the wisdom to excel in all her affairs. I certainly need that divine guidance to be a high performer both at home and at work.

Many times, I think as black African women (bAw), we spend a lot of time recognizing and articulating the odds that we are up against. We frequently discuss the odds against us in the pursuit of a solid education and a successful professional career, a Godly marriage, heathy high-achieving children, and a good standard of living in general. Many of us spend many years wishing for and praying hard for that school, that job, that man, those kids, that house, those clothes, but we spend very little time praying in advance for the grace and power to manage all those blessings effectively when God grants them. Proverbs 31 describes a woman who has been blessed immensely by God in all facets of her life but we see that she needs to work hard and exhibit many impressive skills to manage that success.

Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God is able to do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.” This means that He has the power to grant all our hearts’ desires, including success at home and work, according to His will. It also means He is a ready source for strength and courage to help us manage, to our full potential, those blessings that He grants us. I’m always going to need to tap into His source of strength and to draw from His well that never runs dry because this Proverbs 31 woman that I speak of, she can, by His grace, be me.

 

What are your thoughts on the Proverbs 31 woman? Do you think she’s realistic or should we just take lessons from her? Would love to hear your thoughts!

With love,

Ehui

 

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Ehui Osei-Mensah is a gorgeous childhood friend of mine who hails from the beautiful country called Ghana in West Africa but currently lives in the Washington DC with her small family. Ehui is a wife and mother of a beautiful little girl. She is a Christian and currently works as the Content Director at Hanover Research. She is a smart young woman with a bubbly personality and a love for Jesus.