Our Perfect Expectations Of Love

Perfect Couple 2
Photo Cred: Munaluchibride 


There is no such thing as a guy who is “ready for marriage”.


Well, this is the conclusion I have come to based on endless hours of reading up on relationships and marriage, and speaking to married folks that I respect and look up to.


For some reason, our generation has been convinced that before you marry a man, he has to have all his stuff together – this is a belief held by both females and males mind you. We believe that he needs to have a good job, a great house, big fat bank account, and a fabulous car to chauffer you in, plus an extra one for you of course!


For the super spiritual peeps, we also believe that he needs to be serving deeply within the church or his own personal ministry. He needs to be so deep in the word of God that you feel like you’re listening to Jesus when he is speaking. And and and. In a nutshell, we’re expecting the brother to pretty much be Jesus Christ Himself. These are honestly great and important things to seek in a partner but I do not believe they are deal breakers, especially because we ourselves are not this way as women.


What screws us up most
Photo Cred: Nice People Are Cool


The thing is, this is what I believed for quite a while. Because truth be told, what I desired was good and I wanted to be wise in my choice. I felt like unless you ticked all the boxes I had presented to God (not the ones God had revealed to me) about my ideal Christian man, I wasn’t even going to give you a second thought.


You were just going to waste my time and reverse all the “hard work” I had been putting in to become this amazing Christian girl. If I gave you a chance it would be a reflection on me that I don’t have worth – that I allow imperfection into my space (ouch!). It would suggest that I am not destined for a great and life-changing marriage. I couldn’t have that!


Then I purposefully engaged in some research on real-life relationships: from conversations with family and friends; to reading testimonies online. And I realized that the picture perfect pre-marriage state was actually not a thing – was not necessarily the experience of most married people.


I mean, I learnt that a man (even the most devoted and God-fearing) is not fully who he has been called to be by God when you meet him. He is not a finished product. He will make some really dumb choices. Lol. He will probably hurt you at several points. He will test you and the wonderful Christian qualities you’ve been racking up. And that is because no person is perfectly prepared for any stage of their life.


Rather, the stages of life perfect characteristics in a person as God leads them. We love to say that saying, “God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called”. But we love to say it in context of serving in ministry for God and we do not apply it in other areas of life including romantic relationships.


Expectations vs Reality
Photo Cred: Brian Tracy Online


Today, I’m speaking to my fellow perfectionist sisters who literally fear giving a man a chance because he is not a walking Bible character. The truth is that God does not bring you a perfect person to marry and because of that we may keep passing on our potential partners (talking to myself here as well). I think what has caused us to believe this deception is mainly social media. Social media influences our perceptions of relationships in the following two ways:


  1. Perfect Expectations – we are a social media generation. Social media has given individuals the power to be who they want the world to believe that they are. We post up only the best pictures that we have edited several times so that they are appealing. We post up our successes and victories and seldom acknowledge our struggles or fears. We have this whole “Stepford Wives” vibe thing to a tee in terms of how we represent our life.


The problem comes when we start to believe that this perfection applies to every aspect of our lives: Our food should arrive the way we see it perfectly depicted in food magazines; our outfits should sit on us the same way that they are displayed on the mannequin; and likewise, our potential hubby should possess all these wonderful qualities that we read about on Christian blog sites or according to men in the Bible that we are told to look up to (à la Joseph/Abraham etc).


The reality of life, however, is that we all have defects in our characters (Romans 3:23). The reality of life is that our backgrounds and circumstances have shaped our thinking and informed the behaviours that we are trying to overcome through Christ (Romans 7:15). The reality of life is that we are still a work in progress and still being sanctified. We have not attained perfection yet – yes, even us “good Christian girls”!


So when we meet a guy and are considering a relationship, we act like we are shopping in a catalogue which should only possess the “air-brushed” man for our consideration. Should any defects pop up, we convince ourselves that these are warning bells from God that this is not the right man for us. Just as you have your own hectic flaws within your lovely qualities, the man God chooses for you will have some qualities (not foundational to his character) that will drive you UP THE WALL! Let go of the perfect expectations.


Who hurt you
Photo Cred: We Love Soccer Online


  1. Perfect Comparisons – I love to read up about fellow Christians who inspire me and have come through the other side of tests and trials in Christ. Not that they are now perfect, but they have gone through seasons with God and their faith is being proved. These people naturally like to celebrate their love and to inspire and encourage others by sharing images of themselves with their spouse doing life. It’s so beautiful to see but the problem comes when I begin to convince myself that it should always look that way from the beginning. We convince ourselves that a man should already be kind; loving; patient; hands on in the home; willing to rub your feet when you’re exhausted etc from day one of marriage.


The truth is that these people we look up to were not always like that. They have worked hard with God and with one another to grow into the people God calls them to be. They have prayed earnestly through some really rough seasons. They have almost called it quits because they couldn’t believe that this was the same person they fell in love with.


But we only see the end results and compare our potential partners to years of experience, moulding, prayer and testing. The devil encourages a lot of comparison in today’s world which leaves us feeling so discontented. One of God’s 10 commandments is to not covet what belongs to another (Exodus 20:17; Deuteronomy 5:21) and that includes wishing you had someone who was like the husband of another woman.


God is so wise in this admonition. He knows that as humans we don’t get to see the full picture. We have not walked the exact journey that this couple has. We do not possess the same qualities that the wife had that He worked with to mould and build up the man to be the amazing husband that he is today. And so, when we are considering our own suitors we cannot compare them to finished products but to the standard Christ reveals to us personally.


God won’t give you a finished product because then what would be the point of marriage? Marriage is there to challenge us and expose our sinfulness and to change us to become more like Christ. It is there to ensure we fulfil our oath to God on this earth. That is the main aim of marriage. And so that means you need someone who needs challenging and exposing and who is sinful – just like you by the way. That may be the guy currently hollering at you that you’ve written off.


Have courage and be kind OG
Photo Cred: Etsy Online


In a nutshell, my fellow single sisters, I am just encouraging us to not be unnecessarily hard on and demanding of our brothers. Let us be kind as they shall have to be kind to us and our shortcomings. I am not saying take someone who is an obvious liar or adulterer or just someone with no basic regard for God’s law (which by the way is summed up as loving God wholly and others as yourself).


I am saying let us look for a man who is willing above all else. That is a good man. A man who has a teachable spirit and is willing to work with God and with you to become all God has called you both to be. Let us let go of our fantasies of Mr Perfect, and let us embrace the Mr Imperfect with whom we will have the pleasure of walking through the journey of life to grow to be all God has called us to be. This, I believe, is the true definition of love.


Because, at the end of the day we will experience more joy and fulfilment when we can stand back, watch that man care for his children; treat us like a Queen; and honour God in all he does because we were willing to go through the rough patches with him. I mean think about it, you would cherish the Chanel bag that you had to work and save up for despite how hard it was much more than the one someone hands over to you for nothing.


What have been some of your expectations of a spouse? How do you think we can attain the right balance in accepting a godly but human man as a husband? Let’s chat!


With love,

Sonia Dee


To The Man I Love, But Am Yet To Meet


Me in beautiful Cape Town in July 2015

You see me. All of me. And not once have you shrunk back from my awkward talkative nature or loud laugh or my desperate need to analyse everything. Instead, you have a way of turning my flaws and failures into possibilities and opportunities for me to be even greater.

You pursue me. Relentlessly. Not once have I wondered whether you care or think about me. It’s obvious that you do. I see it in the way you look at me as though I am the very first woman you have ever laid eyes on. I recognize it in the way you notice the most random things about me. In the way you don’t get tired of looking for me even if we just spoke this morning or had a falling out. I have no doubt in my mind that I am desirable to you.

You celebrate me. In every way possible. You may not share my exact interests but you still want to know all about them. You see all that I can and shall be, and you remind me of that at every opportunity that you can. You remember what’s important to me and find ways to make a big deal out of that even if it never really mattered to you before we met.

You’re curious about me. Like a child is curious about the first drop of rain she feels on her hand or about how her mama seems to know everything about everything in the world. I am a deep and vast body of water that you’re not afraid to completely submerge yourself in and yet that still wouldn’t be enough for you. It feels like you’re reading a fresh page in my story each day that we are together – even if you’ve read my story countless times before.

You remind me. Remind me about Whose I am and who I am in Him. Remind me of the capable, loving, powerful and gorgeous soul I have always been but that life had ripped from my memory bank. Remind me that I am so uniquely beautiful, enchanting and lovely. Remind me that I’m not alone at any juncture of my life’s journey. Remind me that someone believes in me wholeheartedly and has my back. Remind me that there are still amazingly good men in this world. Remind me of the very first Man who ever loved me unconditionally – Jesus Christ.

You pray for and over me. From the moment you wake up and have a conversation about me with God until you lay your head down at night. You present me before the Creator and plead with Him about my salvation, my healing, my joy and whatever I may need at that time. Your prayers for and about me are what keep me pushing forward daily into the woman God knows me to be despite the odds.

Dear husband, these are just reflections of your deep love for me and a few of the things I am grateful for in you. Thank you for how you challenge and push me towards the mark God has set for me. Thank you for reinstating my hope in godly men, when, for majority of my life it has constantly been torn down. Thank you for loving me in a way that reminds me of my Saviour’s love for me. Thank God that every day He blesses me with the opportunity to try and return the beauty you have brought into my life. I pray that I may honour my God by loving and respecting you the way He has called me to.

I haven’t met you yet, but God has already taught me to love you.

Yours truly,

The Woman You Adore, But Are Yet To Know

How a Coat Taught Me Patience


Photo Cred: Coneys Design Wear

For this week’s post I thought I would share with you some lessons that I penned down in June of this year.

Today God taught me the lesson of patience and waiting on Him to lead me to the best by using a coat. I know – sounds a bit crazy right? But it’s a true story. Those who know me have come to understand that I am rather spontaneous and I’m an action kind of person. Sometimes I act before I think and more often than not, I regret it after I’ve done it. I partly blame it on my Sanguine nature. We’re impulsive creatures and we’re moved by our current emotional state (which barely lasts long by the way). And so, when it comes to purchasing items I will recognize that I want to get something then I will just go out to the shops and get the first or second item I see. I’ll then walk past a better item a couple of days or weeks later (at a better price) and wish that I hadn’t purchased the original. Really sucks!

This process of decision-making sometimes flows into other areas of my life. For example, I rarely get angry with people but when I do, I blow it way out of proportion and can say or do things I later regret. Or at times I agree to do something because it feels good in the moment but I will be kicking myself later cause I would have realized that I don’t actually want to do it. I think you get my drift – I’m a go-with-the-wind kind of girl. However, about a year or so ago God started to plant this thought in my mind of the need to pause before acting or speaking. To be specific, it was a devotional that I read (can’t remember now who wrote it) and essentially it was a message from God which said,

“Pause before responding to people or situations, giving My Spirit space to act through you. Hasty words and actions leave no room for Me.”


Such profound words! And true to my nature, the moment I read that I was like, “Yes Lord! I’m going to learn to pause immediately! This is so doable – I’ve got this!” How wrong I was. Lol. A year later, and I’m only truly starting to live this lesson.

Enter the story about the coat. So as I write this it is the start of the coolness of winter in these southern parts of Africa. I’ve wanted to buy a new winter coat now for a few months (since the beginning of the year to be honest). Usually, I’d have gone out the moment I got paid to buy the first or second coat I saw. This time around though, I have been doing my research on different coats at different stores for the past 2 months or so. At one point I had the money to buy the coat but I wasn’t satisfied with what I was seeing. I just had this gut instinct that it wasn’t the best. So I held out and purchased other necessary items instead. But I remained with a clear picture of what I wanted and how much I was willing to spend on it.

Then came the end of May and as usual we got paid on the 25th of the month. However, I didn’t even rush to go checkout coats as I would have done before. Instead I browsed online here and there, and if I happened to be at the shops. Still, nothing tickled my fancy so I did nothing about it. Then today, I just got the sense that today was the day to go buy my coat. It was out there waiting for me. I went with a good girlfriend of mine and when I set eyes on this coat I told her it was the one! I just knew it! We went in and I tried it on and it sat so beautifully on my body. Guess what too – it was below my budget! I mean wow! And there you have it, I got the BEST coat for me. It is exactly what I’ve been looking for and what I’d pictured for less.

As I reflect on this set of events, I am reminded again about that statement above about pausing. Granted that it’s a year after I determined to learn to pause but the fact of the matter is I’m making progress. Not only that, I’ve been blessed with a practical experience of why God would want me to wait and pause before I make decisions or act out.  In a seemingly small exercise, He came through for me in a big way when I chose to go against my nature and rather wait on Him. He rewarded my patience and faithfulness to the lesson He’s been trying to teach me. Wow! I have learnt that waiting is worth it. It may be painful especially when you’re initially trying to learn patience but the more you learn to wait and then receive better results than if you’d rushed, the easier and more pleasant it becomes for you to wait. You actually get excited in the waiting period because you know there’s a jackpot waiting on the other side of your patience.

This is what God does for each of us. He patiently waits upon us even though He has to endure watching us make wrong and painful decisions. Even though He has to endure rejection from us over and over again. He just sits it out because He knows that the joy of eventually being in communion with us far outweighs the pain of waiting on us for it. I pray that I learn to become more patient especially in the bigger things of my life. Waiting can be the difference between a life-changing career and a dead-end job. It can be the difference between a fulfilling marriage and a divorce or broken home. I have a really good friend who is suuuuper patient (a bit too patient if you ask me – there are limits. Lol) and he seems to not regret his decisions at all. Maybe less than some of us anyway. I hope God takes me there but for now I’m so happy with the little He’s helped me to achieve. And so every time I put on that coat, I will remember why waiting it out just a little while longer is so much more worth it.

What’s your experience with waiting? What have you learnt in your waiting period? What has God grown in you because of waiting? Let’s share!

With love,

Sonia Dee