The Hardest Thing About Being A Single Christian Woman

Single Christian Woman 2
Photo Cred: Space For Inspiration

For whatever reason, God has seen it fit that I bear the cross of singleness in my life. And over the more recent years, I have been fortunate to see the blessing in my singleness.

 

Ever since I was in my pre-teens I have dreamt of getting married. At one point I would walk around day-dreaming about being Nick Carter’s (former Backstreet Boys member) wifey and living a charmed life (Haha!). Marriage was the ultimate for me. It was one of my many idols, and from a young age.

 

So, God has had to take me through a process where He has kept me single to shift my mind-set around what is of ultimate importance in my life. It certainly is not marriage. I have come to appreciate the peace and true joy in embracing (and not fighting) the single season.

 

When you let go
Photo Cred: Instagram

 

Today, I was impressed to share the realities of being a single Christian woman. To share some of the things that make being single really tough for us in hopes that as a community of believers, we can better support our single Christian women.

 

Now, to all my single Christian sisters, I’m sure you’ve faced some awkward and sometimes annoying questions about your relationships status:

 

  • “Why are you still single?” – This question from people who read the same Bible as you and share the same beliefs you do, and so know that you know that you are the one to be pursued and not to pursue – so why would my single status be on me when I must be chased? And with the knowledge that everything happens in God’s time.

 

  • “Why are you so picky?” – Again, this question is asked as though you yourself do not sometimes wonder why you must have such high standards. Trust me, there are days where I have thought, “You know what? Who needs a God-fearing man anyway? As long as he goes to church I’m sure we’ll be alright.”

 

And the questions go on.

 

Surrender
Photo Cred: ProGood

 

The above questions (and those similar to them), I have learnt to brush away. I get that very few married men and women in the church truly get the circumstances of single Christians today. And I don’t even hold it against them because deep down they mean well.

 

But over the last couple of years, the one question or statement that has caused me my greatest struggle with being a single Christian woman is:

 

“You are such a beautiful young woman who clearly loves the Lord. How is it that a woman like you is still single?”

 

It’s similar to question number 1 above, except that it has added salt that rubs into the wound. It’s one thing to know that you are a single Christian woman who is seeking contentment and healing from past relationships/mistakes/mind-sets. You have no doubt that were you to enter a relationship now, it would go down – and not in a good way because you’re so broken.

 

The older I get
Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

But then, it is another thing to know the journey you have walked with God to receive healing from all that. You are still on the journey, yes, but now you can turn around and look back to see how far you have come with and through Him. It leaves you in tears knowing that you are not the same person you were years ago.

 

This question then suggests that there is something wrong because you are a prime candidate for marriage yet you remain alone. It can cause even the most grounded Christian woman to wonder, especially because it is a recurring question. It can threaten to undo all the work God has done in you up to this point.

 

From family, to friends, to colleagues and even strangers (yes! I’ve had people I’ve met for the first time say this to me), such a question is probably one of the hardest things to carry as a single Christian woman. And more so because it is a question that you probably ask God in the crevices of your heart before anyone else voices it.

 

God I'm frustrated
Photo Cred: Immanuel Prayer Wheel Online

 

I’ve stopped dating for the sake of it. I’ve stopped watching movies that make me pine after men. I’ve dedicated my life to Jesus and I’m walking in His purpose for me. I literally seek to live a life of worship and my favourite pastime has become spending time in God’s word. I’ve finally laid down that idol of marriage. Yet, this gnawing question that suggests I am doing something wrong consistently follows me.

 

This has been my greatest struggle family, and maybe some other young woman’s too. I feel as though I have gone through all the steps of struggling with singleness that a Christian woman can face and this one is the biggest sucker. And probably because of the context of the African culture we grow up and live in.

 

Yet, this very question I have taken to God in my darkest moments and asked it to Him – “Why God? Why have you allowed me, a woman so devoted to you to miss out on a desire YOU planted in me? Why have you allowed others who didn’t even care to go through all the groundwork to get married and have babies while I watch? Why?”

 

I ask such questions not because I believe I am better than any other woman or even understand their circumstances that led to their marriage etc, but because this is my reality. This is what I am grappling with today.

 

Free women vulnerable
Photo Cred: The Free Woman Online

 

What am I trying to say? I have learnt in the last couple of years that being transparent with God will get you through such hard moments. It doesn’t matter how long you have walked with Him or how much Bible you know or how long you’ve served in the church or how much you’ve grown content in your singleness – you are human and you will still battle with these tough and painful feelings/questions about your status. And that’s okay.

 

It just reminds you how much you desperately need God to do life. It reminds you of your humanity. It establishes and maintains the intimacy with your God. It builds trust with Him. John the Baptist understood this which is why he questioned Jesus on whether He really was the One who was to come or if they should wait for another (when he was locked up in prison and Christ was not trying to save him). Or why Christ cried out on the cross, “My God, My God! Why have you forsaken Me?”

 

See, we often like to jump to the part of our Bible heroes’ stories where they share such profound statements of faith and don’t doubt God’s goodness – definitely all things we should seek to fulfil. But we skip over all the messy, human parts of their experiences and in the process nullify our own experiences which causes us added heartache. Just like you, they went through doubts and depression and anxiety and fear. But the greatest of them expressed these to God.

 

You don't protect your heart...
Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

One of my favourite Bible characters, David, understood this so well which is why I believe he was called a man after God’s own heart. In Psalm 18:6 he says, “In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.”

 

So sis, take the hardest questions about your singleness to Christ and don’t deny them. In your quiet time, pour it all out to Him because He cares. He wants to know. And He has the anecdote that will take away your pain and replace it with joy and peace. He can show you where you need Him to enter and transform you even more when you’re this honest. I have personally experienced it.

 

And to all our married friends and family and colleagues who don’t quite get it yet, no this post is not an indication about how sad or bitter we are about our singleness. It’s just an education of our experiences so you can better support and encourage us. So you can be a little more sensitive about the questions you ask us, no matter how well-meaning. To those who are already doing that, please don’t stop. You have no idea what it does for us.

 

Thanks once again for reading. Let me know what’s been the hardest thing for YOU as a single Christian woman. Encourage another woman. And remember that God loves you more than you will ever understand.

 

With love,

Sonia Dee

 

Photo Cred:Worship  Gifs & Conexus Counselling

 

Before You Go Sis:

Would you like to be part of a community of black African women who are daily speaking and seeking healing for different aspects of their lives and returning to their true identity in Christ? Then join us on InstagramFacebook and Twitter to receive daily encouragements and connect with like-minded sisters!

 

Chat soon!

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Guest Post: The Most Harmful Ingredients in Shampoo for Naturals by Patrina

Harmful Shampoos
Photo Cred: Coisas De Diva

 

If you’re looking at the most harmful ingredients in shampoo, you should know that not all the ingredients on this list are detrimental to all people. Our natural hair requires different ingredients than the products available on the beauty supply shelf.

As we gain more knowledge about natural hair, we come to realize that many of the mainstream shampoos that millions of people use every day simply don’t work for us naturals.

In this post, you’ll find the most harmful ingredients in shampoos, specifically geared toward anyone who wants to maintain their beautiful curls.

 

Sulfates

 

Sulfates
Photo Cred: Waxine

The culprits are: Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, or Ammonium Laureth Sulfate. It’s heavily debated whether these ingredients are harmful to the body, but one thing is for sure: Sulfates strip natural hair of its moisture and luster, leaving it dry, brittle, and tangled.

Always choose shampoos that do not contain sulfates if you have natural hair. A product like Shea Moisture Coconut Hibiscus Curling Shampoo is an excellent choice because it doesn’t contain chemicals, and has ingredients that nourish kinky hair.

 

Mineral Oil and Other Petroleum-based Products

 

Greasy Products
Photo Cred: Derby City Naturals

Mineral Oil and other petroleum-based ingredients are tempting because they add a lot of shine. But what happens is that they coat the hair strand with oil that is impossible to penetrate. When you can’t get anything through to the hair shaft—including water—you’ll be left with dry hair underneath.

The only way to remove petroleum-based products is by using a harsh shampoo, usually one containing sulfates. Try shea butter instead. It will coat the strand, and leave your hair nourished instead of dry.

 

Fragrance

 

bottles of health and beauty products on white background
Photo Cred: Astroglide Online

Beauty companies are constantly trying to make their products smell good to consumers, but the way they’re doing it is sneaky. One innocent fragrance listing could contain anywhere from 1-100 chemicals within it.

Fragrance contains phthalates, which are esters of phthalic acid. Phthalates are linked to endocrine disruption, developmental and reproductive toxicity, and cancer, according to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics.

To avoid fragrance, choose products that have essential oils listed for aroma. These will be far more beneficial to your hair and scalp, and they won’t be toxic.

 

Polyethylene Glycol (PEG)

 

Polyethylene Glycol
Photo Cred: Avacare Medical Online

This chemical serves to dissolve oil and grease and works as a thickening agent in shampoo. Stripping the scalp of its natural oils is never a good idea because it lowers the immune system and leaves the skin vulnerable to fungal and bacterial infections.

Natural hair thrives on moisture, so cleansing oils away from the hair can lead to dryness and breakage. Apple Cider Vinegar makes a gentler rinsing agent and will help remove product buildup without removing natural oils.

 

Silicones

 

Silicones
Photo Cred: Reef Cosmetics Online

Silicones usually come with the names Dimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Amodimethicone, or any other word with a “cone” in it. Silicones are good in theory because they soften hair, smooth down cuticles, and give hair the illusion of being shinier.

The problem is, they will prevent moisture from your sebum from penetrating the hair shaft, eventually leaving your hair dull and lifeless. Silicones may even lead to breakage. The only way to remove the ‘cones’ is by using a harsh sulfate shampoo. Combining sulfates and silicones will likely lead to further damage.

 

An easy way to avoid buying toxic, chemical-laden products is to scan the first five ingredients on the label. Are they all names you can pronounce? If not, place it back on the shelf. What’s the point in buying chemicals for your hair? Many beauty products are expensive, so you should get one that has the most helpful ingredients possible.

Kinky hair thrives on moisture. You might consider limiting the use of shampoo, and opting to do mostly co-washes.

If you’re in an area where you don’t have access to great natural hair products, try to find the ingredients and make DIY products in your kitchen instead.

Now it’s your turn to discuss. Have you found toxic ingredients in your regular shampoo? Which products and natural ingredients do you use instead?

 

Patrina Pic

Patrina is the founder of Naturalhairqueen.net; a blog to educate and inspire women with natural hair. Patrina just celebrated her 10-year natural hair anniversary, and achieved her goal of waist length hair. With the knowledge she has learned over the years she is dedicated to share her knowledge, and experience to educate women who wish to have moisturized, healthy natural long hair.

You can connect with Patrina on these social media platforms:

Website: www.Naturalhairqueen.net

Facebook: www.facebook.com/naturalhairqueensite/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/NatHairQueen

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nathairqueen/


 

Thank you Patrina for sharing your wisdom on how to best care for our natural hair.

Take care ladies, till next time!

With love,

Sonia Dee

Guest Post: How Going Natural Was A Journey Of Love by Paloma Ka-David Ncoco

 

Journey Of Love
Photo Cred: Ana Rosa Tumblr

 

Are you confident? Headstrong? Did you believe “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?” So was I till the day I decided to do something different.

 

I was 17 going on 18 and I had been relaxing my hair for years. If it wasn’t relaxed it was always blow-dried and straightened. I would spend hours the night before frying my hair to bone straight perfection. That was what society deemed ‘acceptable’ so that was what I fed my mind until one day I decided to make a change. Little did I know that that change would come with hurt feelings and hiding a part of who I am once again.

 

Pain of Change
Photo Cred: i.pinimg.com

 

I had learnt how to put my hair in twists at night and let it out in the morning. This was one of my go-to tricks when I’d wear my natural hair (there were times I’d go up to 8 months without relaxing and only blow & straighten). One day I decided I’d wear my hair natural at school and so I did.

 

When I walked into my first class the white kids started to laugh at my hair asking, “What did you do?” “Where you electrocuted?” The black kids felt my hair and would ask why it’s not coarse or why it felt like cotton; “You’re not really black then”, they’d say to me. After that day I was so overwhelmed with emotions of hurt and I knew then I wouldn’t wear my natural hair for a very very long time.

 

Words kill or words give life - you choose
Photo Cred: Pktfuel Online

 

My big turnaround came towards the end of 2015. Mid-year I had bleached my hair and the ends were fried & dyed to death so I had to chop them off. My friend had been researching natural hair and I asked her to share with me tips on how to take care of my natural hair and I myself began to do my own research and I started buying the correct products and wearing my hair natural with the occasional straightening.

 

This time around I wasn’t in high school and over the years I had grown a thicker skin. The world around me had grown and was more socially aware and accepting of change so if there were negative comments I knew those words wouldn’t affect me as much as they had years before.

 

Give some love to yourself
Photo Cred: Walk The Talk Show

 

In 2016 after experimenting with different hair colours for months and bleaching more than I should, I went and did ‘the big chop’. I must admit I felt like “What did I do? Now I look like a boy.” But eventually I fell in love with my new look. My hair was growing at a steady pace and more importantly it was healthy and strong. This time around I was accepting of myself rather than accepting of what others expected.

 

My journey has been more than just switching lanes from chemical treatment to natural haircare. It’s been a journey of learning self-love; not letting the opinions of others affect me enough to change who I am and making sure I have beautiful strong hair to show for it.

 

Paloma Pic

Paloma ka-David Ncoco, is a 23 year old creative and designer who currently lives in Sandton, Johannesburg. Her passion in life is creating whilst using many different art forms to do so. She completed two courses in makeup and photography and is currently working as a photographer and makeup artist whilst making plans to complete her fashion degree. Paloma is a strong young woman who is determined to live life not bound by the opinions of others.

 

 

I’m so grateful to Paloma for sharing her personally painful but hopeful experience in seeking out her true identity. She has reminded us that your journey with your hair goes far deeper than the external. It is an expression of what is going on within you.

What has transitioning to natural hair meant for you personally? What challenges/obstacles have you faced in this journey? I would love to hear about your experiences too.

 

With love,

Sonia Dee

 

 

Your Mess Is A Message

Message in your mess image 3
Photo Cred: lukass1094.deviantart

I spoke recently at a week of prayer targeted at young women and shared about purpose. God placed it on my heart to share about how there are many people (not just women) who have disqualified themselves from living a purposeful life for one of two main reasons.

 

They believe that they have made too many mistakes:

  • lied too much;
  • had sex outside of marriage;
  • had a baby/babies out of wedlock;
  • hurt too many people;
  • they’ve messed things up in their relationship with God or don’t know His word well enough;
  • wasted too much of their life drinking, clubbing, smoking etc.

 

Then there are others who feel that life has dealt them an unfair card:

  • they’re not smart enough;
  • they haven’t been raised in a good enough environment;
  • they don’t have anything profound to share;
  • they come from a messed up family;
  • they don’t have the right networks to make a real difference.

 

Your past does not define you
Photo Cred: etsy.com

 

This month, my team and I made it our sole purpose to celebrate black African women on our social media pages – whether they are currently doing “big things” or they are your normal everyday woman. We took this decision specifically because we have a strong belief that every single woman has a story and is fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God (Psalm 139:14).

 

When we sent out requests to feature women and young girls who truly inspire us, there were mixed responses. There were very few women who took up the offer with no hesitation at all. Then others who hesitated strongly. There were responses of “I don’t have anything profound to share” or “What would I say about myself?” to “Really?! Me? I inspire you?”

 

It honestly made me sad to know that the majority of women doubt that they have anything of value to impart to this world. We tend to limit all that God would do in and through us because of external circumstances that are precisely the tools God has employed for us to be vessels of hope for Him.

 

your story is the key
Photo Cred: WordPress.com

 

When I spoke last week, I shared the story of Jochebed (Mother to Moses) who, despite the slavery, oppression, fear, and hopelessness she faced in Egypt, raised her son for God. She was intentional in how she cared for him and even how she released him into God’s hands when she could no longer hide him.

 

Today, the majority of the world knows the name of Moses. We have the first 5 books in the Bible because of this man. We have been blessed with the commandments of God through Moses as a conduit. He was one of the greatest men to ever live and all because of a woman who dared to believe that God could use her unfavourable circumstances for good.

 

your path of pain
Photo Cred: Shining With Sparkle

 

What am I trying to say?

 

Sis, how you allow God to shape your story will be the reason that someone doesn’t give up today. It will be the reason that someone will choose to try again to pursue their dream because of how you have done the same despite failing so many times before. It will be the reason that someone will finally decide to face their struggles honestly and do something about it.

You need to be aware that the devil comes to plant doubts about whether God can use you for His good and the good of others. Yes you may have sinned but remember the promise of Romans 8:1 which states that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

You see, it is precisely the parts of you that you feel are too boring or too messy or too embarrassing that are used by God to bring glory to Him and to bless those around you. Your story, your life, your experiences are not just for you – they are for the enlightenment of others (Hebrews 10:24). There is healing in telling our stories – both for those who hear them and for us who tell them.

 

Healing quote Rick Warren
Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

And so my prayer today is that women would own their stories, their past, their failures, and their mess, and allow God to birth their purpose through their pain. That we would stop benchmarking our effectiveness in this world with people who seem to have it on lock or with what society says is success. That instead we trust that God’s grace is sufficient for us and allow Christ’s righteousness to fulfill what our own filthy righteousness can never do.

 

For as long as your motive is to honour God and to live life according to His will for you, you are an inspiration to the person next to you. Through your smile, your determination, your perseverance, your kindness, your humility, your compassion, your quiet grace. Lift your head up high sis. Don’t count yourself out. The world needs who God created you to be, and that includes your messy life experiences.

 

You can learn a lot from your mistakes
Photo Cred: E-Global Natural Health

 

Do you have another understanding of why we as women generally struggle to believe we are inspiring? Are you someone who already believes they are an inspiration to others? Please share with us so we can learn from each other!

 

With love,

Sonia Dee

 

You inspire people who pretend
Photo Cred: Tovares Grey

Things I Wish Black African Queens Would Realize – Open Letter From A Black African King

Journalling 2
Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

Dear black African Queen,

Do you get that many civilisations are born through you and because of you?

It may come to others as though I am being biased because I am black and have been raised by you, a black woman. If you look around, however, Nubian Queen, you’ll notice, many other races are raised by you too.

Resilience and Confidence
Photo Cred: Bippity Boppity Boo

 

Dear black African Queen,

Do you understand your value and how much you give back?

It’s said that when a woman has money, her society is always blessed. She will always sow seeds of development in her society because she naturally gives back. I have seen this in my own home. How my mother would take care of cousins and send them to school with our home’s collective incomes. We would move from country to country and she would bring someone from her home village to educate and care for.

You have changed lives Nubian Queen, because of your generosity, consideration and love for your people.

 

Seed
Photo Cred: Jew In Jail

 

Dear black African Queen,

Do you know how tough you are?

How resilient you have to be in the work place? How opportunities that land in your hands can sometimes be leftovers from those before you but somehow with little you make much.

You rise, dominate and sustain.

 

Still I Rise
Photo Cred: I Like Calligraphy

 

Dear black African Queen,

I bow in adoration of your resilience, selflessness and ability to raise nations.

More importantly, however, I hope you appreciate yourself just as much too.

Regards,

A Young Black African King

 

Nubian Queens
Photo Cred: Pinterest

 

What are your thoughts on this letter? Do you see yourself in this light bAw? What else would you add to this letter?

With love,

Sonia Dee

 

Before you go sis, here are a few things you may be interested in:

  1. We have a Hiking Event to celebrate you gorgeous bAw this Sunday the 27th of August at Klipriviersberg Nature Reserve in the South of Joburg. If you desire to get out, meet other bAw and hear inspiring stories about how to best reflect on your life and live it in a way that God desires for you, this get-together is for you. We will have a lovely picnic after our short hike and some uplifting words from our older sisters who have learnt the value of taking stock of their lives. Come and let’s Heal, Exhale and Reflect together.
  2. Would you like to be part of a community of women who are daily speaking and seeking healing for different aspects of their lives and returning to their true identity in Christ? Then join us on InstagramFacebook and Twitter to receive daily encouragements and connect with like-minded sisters!

 

Chat soon!